By Dr. Heather Quaile WHNP-BC, SANE
It is necessary to take a biological, psychological, approach to managing mismatched sex drive between partners. The first part is to rule out any medical issues that may be causing libido concerns. Low testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, thyroid issues, diabetes and depression can affect desire and/or responsiveness. If you do have an issue, it is essential finding the right care and to be listened to by your healthcare provider. When your hormones are off balance, talking with a provider and learning how to balance your hormones can make a big difference in your libido.
The next step involves communication with your partner and not just communicating when you want to have sex. It is necessary to take time to talk about sex, your desires and needs with your partner. Part of this happens through your own sexual discovery. We often can talk to our partners about many things but when it comes to sex or what we want sexually we feel like we cannot open up. It is so important to have these conversations in order to keep relationships running smoothly. Some areas that you can explore are issues surrounding sexual desire, frequency, and timing and amount. Explore your own desires and ask yourself if you are ok with quickies, or are there times you just want to feel closeness and desire longer sessions of intimacy outside of penetration (ie: cuddling holding, kissing, massage etc). Next talk with your partner and explore both your and your partner’s desires so you can both understand how to effectively compromise and have the most fun when you are together.
Try to change things up. Sex can sometimes feel like a chore and feel monotonous, especially in long-term relationships, so do not be afraid try something new. IF you have ideas or fantasies in your head try and set expectations before the conversation that you want to have a dialogue to explore some things you have been thinking about. Have sex in a different places, at a different time of the day, use massage and set forth expectations that may not necessarily lead to sex- this is all about compromise. Sometimes taking the pressure of having sex off the table makes it less stressful when there is a desire discrepancy and talking about this together can set expectations for both partners. Also it is important to note that sex does not always need to end with orgasm, discussing the expectations for both parties involved also helps.
Desire is not always going to be there, it waxes and wanes especially when you have been in a long-term relationship. One important thing to remember is the mind plays a huge role in sexual desire. Especially for women. The mind is our biggest sex organ and the skin is our largest sexual body area. It is important to remember that sex and intimacy make both you and your partner feel valued, desired and loved. Without it, you may feel resentment and a loss of connection. If you feel that you are having a desire discrepancy that has been ongoing or that you and your partner are losing connection or are struggling with intimacy, please reach out to us at www.theshowcenter.com so that we are able to help you get to the root of your condition. I look forward to hearing from you!
Shine brightly,
Dr. Heather
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